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April 9, 2005 San Jose, Cost Rica
   

Warning

If you are easily offended, you should not proceed. Do me a favor and spare yourself the pain. Hit the back button. Now.

Since you consider yourself not easily offended (you are still reading after the warning, aren't you), you are in for a good laugh from what I know as 'satire at its best', you are going to enjoy this extract from Adam Felber's blog. Nothing highlights truths like satire. He explicitly gave ME permission to repost it. Oh well, if you must be technical about it, his words on his blog were more like "anyone is welcome to repost it, as long as they give credit to the original author".

This is a bit outdated, but when I first read this myself, I laughed till (don't say I didn't warn you) I farted. And this was recently rebroadcast in NPR's This American Life - one of my favorite radio shows.

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By Adam Felber

Save My Marriage - July 31, 2003

I've only been married for seven months, but without your help, it could be over.

The problem is those gay people. And I mean that in the best possible way. If not for the bold pronouncements of President Bush and the Pope, it might already be too late. But now, thanks to them, we might be able to save it.

President Bush wants to make a move to "protect the sanctity" of marriage, defining it as between a man and a woman. Legislate sanctity now, in other words, or lose it forever. That's true in my case, and I suspect I'm not alone.

See, what makes our marriage so special to me and my wife is that our government recognizes it as a sacred union that gay people can't have. I mean, sure, we love each other and everything, but the real glue that holds us together is that we've joined an exclusive club that gay people aren't allowed to join.

Now don't start thinking that we're anti-gay or anything. We have lots and lots of gay friends. And we love them and want the best for them.

But not this. Because when our gay friends start getting married, it will cheapen and destroy what we have. Not in a religious way (No. Legislating on those grounds would be illegal, for heaven's sake!). It's more of a general thing. Like, generally, gays getting married will undercut everything Jeanne and I have tried to build because... because... it will make our union less special. It will. We'll lose interest. We'll probably just start thinking, "What's so important about our vows? After all, even gay people can make them."

And that's not a knock on gay people. No no no. America loves its gays. Look at the TV, with all those funny gay people on "Will and Grace," and "Queer as Folk," and "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." They're funny! Funny, colorful people - they're nature's clowns, really. Like penguins.

I'm not sure if legalizing penguin marriages would have any effect on my own marriage. I'd have to think about that. And obviously, gay people are people, not penguins. It's just a metaphor. But I think you all probably know what I mean.

Straight people are good with marriage, too. Jeanne and I can look around at other married couples - at least the ones that aren't currently dealing with serial infidelity, divorce, spousal abuse, or bigamy - and think to ourselves, "Yes, that's what we're striving for. That kind of sanctity." I'm not sure that gays would show the same universal respect for the institution that comes so easily to us straight people.

Anyway, these are dark times in my household. My wife and I look at each other with haunted, suspicious eyes, feeling like we've bought a whole bunch of shares in a stock that is about to be devalued. Suddenly, the eternal, personal vows that we swore to each other will mean very little. How could they, when gay people are out there making similar vows? We'll basically become roommates who happen to wear matching rings, while meanwhile out our window we'll see gays and penguins feeding each other wedding cake willy-nilly on our very own street corner.

Don't let that happen. Save my marriage. Call your congressman or your clergyman, whichever, and tell 'em that to stop this madness before it's too late. It's only good sense. And you may just save my marriage.

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My So-Called Marriage - February 5, 2004

The ruling by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court "is deeply troubling," Mr. Bush said.

"Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman," he said. "If activist judges insist on re-defining marriage by court order, the only alternative will be the constitutional process. We must do what is legally necessary to defend the sanctity of marriage."

Conservative activists who have been in touch with the White House on the issue said they now had no doubt that Mr. Bush had made up his mind to back their call for a constitutional amendment.

- from The New York Times

And not a moment too soon! As I told you last summer, this gay marriage thing is tearing my wife and me apart. And in the intervening months it's only gotten worse. Now, because of activist judges in Massachusetts, our union is hanging on by the thinnest of threads.

Back in the simpler days of 2002, when we were planning our wedding, we used to coo fondly at each other about the joys that lay ahead. It wasn't that we were unsupportive of our gay friends, no. We were just looking forward to the government's validation of our relationship's specialness - a license that affirmed that the two of us had made a unique and personal eternal vow to each other. Something uniquer and specialer than any of our homosexual acquaintances could ever even hope for. They have so much, we thought - keen style sense, the freedom to listen to soundtracks from old Broadway musicals without shame, the ability to share clothes (except in the case of Michael and little, tiny Matt) - at least we would have this.

And now that license is beginning to fade in our eyes. We're all for the separation of church and state, naturally, but if the government doesn't define marriage as the sacred union between a man and a woman, who will? Are Jeanne and I expected to treasure our union solely on the basis of our deep love, personal beliefs, public vows, and the government's blessing? Sorry, Judge Pinkypants, but that's just not good enough. Not for us. We need to know that we've got something that's only available to 90% of the population, the select and upstanding few.

Sure, some of us are criminals. Murderers, even. Some of us have committed rape, beaten children, tattooed swastikas on our bodies, abused animals, broken into houses, bilked the government out of millions of tax dollars, lied under oath, cheated on previous spouses, dishonored our fathers and mothers, failed to keep the Sabbath holy, mowed down children in our SUV's while intoxicated, coveted our neighbors' stuff, gotten ourselves put on death row for serial killings, sold military secrets to the Chinese, urinated in public places, traded stocks based on insider information, beaten up people who looked or sounded different than us, beheaded runaway teens and consumed their flesh, failed to return library books, and sold drugs in schoolyards.

But we're straight, and that means we can get married. And that's special. Or, at least, it was.

Are some gay people serious about their commitment to each other? Sure, of course, that's not the point. Let me give you an example. Jeanne and I know this couple, these two men. They've been together for years and years, longer than we have. They live on a farm in Pennsylvania, treasure their time together, are loved by their community, have saved lives as members of the local fire department, have opened their home to youth groups from the city, and have built a life together based on love and trust. BUT - and here's my point - they're gay. They're both men. And if they're allowed to marry at some point, where does that leave us, my wife and me? See what I'm saying? It'd cheapen everything we have.

It may be too late for Jeanne and me. As soon as the first gay couple in the U.S. gets legally hitched we might just decide to pack it in. What's the point? But there's hope for the future if you DO SOMETHING. Write your congressman. Tell him or her that you want a Constitutional amendment that will protect marriage for straight people. That unless you have the right to enter that sacred union, violate it, exit it, and enter it again with somebody else, again and again, regardless of what crimes you commit, until you're too old and feeble to mouth the words, "I do," - unless you have that right and gay people don't, then there is truly nothing sacred in the United States of America.

And maybe, as you prepare to make that call, spare a thought to my wife and me - two starry-eyed youngsters whose sacred union was destroyed by the prospect of certain other people having something similar. And then for your children's' sake (if they're not gay), make the call, raise your voice, and stand up for what's right.

 

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